Monday, July 6, 2015

our angel baby..

I don't know if I will ever have the right words to say but I know I have wanted to sit down and write this for a while now. So here it goes, sorry If I ramble but I don't wanna miss anything.

May 22, 2015 at 9:12 pm
There it was. Those two pink lines staring back at me. It was so different the second time. With Rosie it was a year of seeing nothing but white staring back at me when I wished so badly for those two pink lines. But here we were. 5 short months after Rosies birth expecting our second baby. Weird red flags were going off all week that maybe I was pregnant. Cooper (our dog) wouldn't leave my side. He was under my feet all week and that was exactly my first red flag with Rosie. I had headaches and was extremely tired. My skin looked different (actually cleared up for once), and I could smell everything. I kept joking to josh that day that I was probably pregnant. We both kept saying how we so weren't ready for a baby. We left my brother in laws birthday party and I noticed these bumps I got on my lips when I was pregnant with Rosie.. I said it to josh and he pulled over at the nearest store to pick up a test. We both knew it was all probably a coincidence because of all the struggles with Rosie and we were NOT trying yet. But there I sat at 9:12 at night on the toilet crying. They showed up instantly. How could this be? Tears were streaming down my face as so many emotions rushed through my body. "i'm not ready for another" "how far along am I" "I'm going to have two babies in cribs and car seats and diapers and bottles and omg" "this can't be real". I waited a minute to walk out and as I opened the door josh was right there and I burst out into tears. He knew. His face said it all and surprisingly he was the calm one. I showed him the test and I cried and we laughed and I cried some more. I'm not going to lie, I was scared to death of having another baby so close.  I always joked that I wanted more now but truth be told I knew it would be a little while before we were really ready to have another. After about an hour of HOLY CRAP were having another baby and setteling down josh looked at me and said "This truly is such a blessing. After all our troubles with Rosie and the past couple years I feel like God just handed us the best gift. For all our troubles he gave us this blessing." The next couple days went by and the idea of another baby sunk it. We got so excited. We started talking about changing our rooms around in our house to make another nursery, we talked about names we liked and we even shared the news with our family. We were a little nervous to share with our family because we just didn't know how everyone would take me being pregnant again so soon. Everyone was so excited for us and honestly I was on such a high. Life couldn't have got more perfect.

After Memorial weekend I called the dr to make our first appointment. I mentioned I never got a period after my previous birth and I wasn't quite sure how far along I was. I just assumed at that point I was about 4-5 weeks. They had me go in for a hcg blood draw to see where my numbers were so they had a better idea how far along I was before sending me in for an ultrasound too early. I got the call my number was 74. They said that sounded great congratulations and to head back in two days to make sure my numbers are going up properly. Two days later came and I got the call that changed everything. "Im sorry to say but your numbers only went up to 84. We like to see them double every 48 hours. I'm sorry to say but most likely you will be having a miscarriage. Head back in two days to get your blood rechecked to see if they go up but we expect them now to start to go down. If you have any bleeding or heavy cramping please call us right away."  The nurse hung up the phone as I sat there feeling like my heart just got ripped in half. How could this be? Those next couple weeks were such a roller coaster. Josh and I prayed so much. We asked God to give us a miracle. To show us he has the final say not any dr or test. I got my blood drawn every two days to see if it was going down but much to our surprise it kept going up. It started out slow then finally I got a call from the nurse saying it doubled and all looks good. She told us sometimes numbers start slow and things turn out just fine. We planned my first ultrasound for a month out to make sure baby is big enough to see a heartbeat. I felt so much hope for this baby. I felt like God was wanting us to put all our trust in him for this baby. I felt like all was ok then. I was sick (throwing up) I had horrible headaches.. I felt pregnant. Deep down though something just didn't seem right. I prayed so many times a day for God to show us in this ultrasound that this baby was perfect just the way he created him or her. Those next couple weeks dragged on. We prayed and we were hopeful.

Tuesday June 16 rolled around. It was like any other typical tuesday. Rosie and I ran errands, played did some laundry and we were heading to visit my aunt. I was getting out of the car after I pulled in her driveway and the worst pain started shooting in my uterus. I knew something wasn't right but I had really bad cramping with Rosie so I chalked it up as growing pains and round ligament pains. The pain wasn't going away and it kept getting worse. I got home fed rosie a bottle and laid her down for the night. I laid down and told myself if it wasn't gone by morning I would call. But the pain kept getting worse as I laid there and I knew I needed to be soon then. My mind went to the worst place. When you have a child you worry more about them. I knew I needed to be seen because I couldn't bare to think if something was wrong and something happened to me. Rosie needs her mama. Josh got home from doing yard work at his dads and we head to the ER at 8:30. We got there did some blood tests, they checked me over and they sent me in for an ultrasound. We were suppose to have our first ultrasound that next week and I have been so scared to see what was going on. As the lady rolled over my belly I saw it.. The one thing I was scared to death to see.. nothing. My numbers showed they were still going up but my uterus showed nothing. My heart sank knowing what was next. The nurse was a little snotty saying that since I didn't know when my last period was that it was probably still too early to see anything. I explained how I got a positive test about a month ago and I should be around 8-9 weeks now. We left feeling a little confused as they sent me to get my clothes back on and wait for the dr to come talk to us. We sat there for almost two hours waiting for the dr. The dr finally came in and told us the news I didn't want to hear. "This is not a normal pregnancy. Your numbers show it and your ultrasound shows it. We think your baby is in your tube and that this is an ectopic pregnancy." My biggest fear this whole time was just that. He gave us a couple options and told us he highly suggests us going in for surgery as that is the best way to get the baby out and make sure everything is ok.  This was the hardest part for me. I cried knowing that this perfect baby growing in the wrong spot is going to be ripped out of me and taken away. Our baby was perfect.. just in the wrong spot. The one spot that a baby or mom couldn't survive if left to grow. This has been hard for me. Im 100% pro life and I felt like I was having an abortion taking away this life that was perfectly fine. I know we both wouldn't have survived if we left the baby or it would have miscarried eventually but I can't help but feel this way. After the Dr. assured us that this was not a normal pregnancy and we decided surgery was best I was wheeled off around 2:30am.  When they went in for surgery they said that the baby was for sure in my tube and it was bulging. They were able to save my tube. They got a blood clot out and they found a lot of free flowing blood in my abdomen that could have gotten very dangerous. The dr said it was a good thing they went in when they did. Usually this is an outpatient surgery and usually you go in a recovery room til your able to wake up and feel well. I was at the hospital for almost 24 hours from start to finish. After surgery the drugs they gave me made me so completely out. I couldn't wake myself up and the moments I was "awake" I was constantly throwing up bile. It was the worst.

The past couple weeks have been really hard. I want so badly to have this baby back in my belly. I want to feel him or her grow. I wanna know who they will be and see the relationship they would have had with Rosie.  I have my good days and I have my really bad days but I know God has a reason for everything. We may not understand it now. Everyday as I change or shower I see the 3 scars on my belly that remind me that I no longer have this baby. That my belly is left empty and my heart aches. I thank God for the time we did have with this baby. One thing positive that has come from this all is Josh and I's relationship has grown. Our love has deepened, we have become even closer and I thank God for that. We will never ever forget you our precious angel baby. We can't wait to meet you one day. We love you to heaven and back.

Love you with all my heart,
your mommy.